Ten years ago, I apologized to Deus Ex. It took me a decade to finish Deus Ex, and I regret taking that long to do so. Last night, I finished Too Human, which took me longer than a decade to finish. There will be no apology to Too Human.
Too Human asks what if Norse mythology but cyborgs? Too Human also asks what if Diablo but made for a controller? The problem is that neither of these are particularly inventive, and they’re badly executed.
I won’t pretend to have a comprehensive list of grievances, because I spent less than 2 hours playing it since the last time I fired it up many years ago. Instead, here’s what I hated about those two hours in bullet form.
- Every visual in this game wobbles and jitters all over the place, and not in a way that looks deliberate or stylish
- Combat and abilities are confusing and unintuitive
- Every level is a series of giant, mostly featureless rooms that sometimes spawn enemies
- Baldur moves way too slowly through these giant, mostly featureless rooms with no run button
- Camera controls suck way too much for a Xbox 360 game
- Inventory management is a hell of identical sounding items, making the only informed decision “is The Number going up?”
- Every death is followed by an unskippable cutscene as the valkyrie comes to retrieve your corpse – it takes 30 seconds
- You will die a lot because of the painful combat and lack of healing items
- The game ends on a cliffhanger for sequels that are obviously never coming
I don’t hate Too Human. This is a game that could be salvaged with a sequel. But that sequel is never coming, so we’re left with what Silicon Knights and Microsoft shoved out the door. It’s free on Xbox marketplace, and that’s a good price. Play it for free. Stop when you get frustrated. Maybe pick it back up in a decade and finish it. You can skip that last suggestion, though, and be no worse for it.